The 10th Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards, (We're Special, So Special) Options

[mjforty]

Before we begin, we need to get one thing straight: The Screen Actors Guild (“SAG”) Awards are special. They are different than all other award shows, at least as far as the actors are concerned. You know why? Because these awards are voted on by your peers. The people who do the same job as you do and, therefore, understand exactly how difficult it is to fake cry, fake scream, and fake be scared of a monster that isn’t really there. And that makes it special. You need to be clear on this but don’t worry if you forget because it will be repeated at least 50,000 times tonight. Even that guy from “Memento” wouldn’t be able to forget it.

The SAG Awards start off just like any other awards show (but it’s still special, just not, apparently, unique) with a montage of the actors coming down the red carpet. We see Joshua Malina, sans glasses, which makes him look way too much like Mr. Magoo for my liking. He is flanked by two statuesque blondes and together they pop the cork on a champagne bottle to open the festivities. We’ve got Sam Waterston signing autographs and Madame President of the Union, Melissa Gilbert, doing a funky version of the royal wave. Lauren Ambrose does a little dance and Jennifer Garner waves to the crowd. Debra Messing stands and smiles and shows off her pregnant figure while Charlize Theron shows off the fact that she can drop 30 lbs. so don’t you worry that you’ll be getting a fatty if you hire Charlize Theron.

The program starts off with the camera moving from actor to actor, each of whom gives a little speech about their beginnings and ends with “My name is [name] and I’m an actor.” I really want one of them to do their best Jon Lovitz’ Master Thespian character but, alas, no one does. The closest we get to goofy is Brad Garrett who claims that he has been asked to return his union card six times and ends his little spiel with “My name is Brad Garrett and I don’t belong here.” No you don’t, Brad, because you’re actually funny.

The first presenter is Naomi Watts, wearing my favorite dress of the evening, a dark blue satin number that stops mid-thigh. With her blonde hair, Naomi really looks great in this dress. She presents the Best Supporting Actor in a Film. The nominees are Alec Baldwin (The Cooler); Chris Cooper (Seabiscuit); Benecio del Toro (21 Grams); Ken Watanabe (The Last Samurai) and Tim Robbins (Mystic River). They show clips of each actor’s performance and I have to say that Tim Robbins’ Boston accent is awful. It’s basically Tim Robbins talking normal except when he has to say words like “cahr” and “pahk.” Despite his awful accent, Tim Robbins wins. He appears excited he won. I thought he was above this sort of stuff but I guess not. After making a pro-union statement about using the power in the room to bring filming back to America, which receives enthusiastic applause, especially from Melissa Gilbert, Tim gives your standard acceptance speech (“SAS”). By this, I mean, that he thanks the crew, the writers, the directors, his co-stars, his manager, his agent, his people and his significant other and kids. He takes so long that they flash the lights on him but Tim will not be deterred. He has been booed at the Oscars, a little light flashing is not going to keep him from finishing his speech.

Liv Tyler shows up to introduce the first nominee for Best Ensemble Cast for a Motion Picture. She introduces “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King.” Over some pretty flute-y music, they do a montage of the actors. Hey, look, there’s my boyfriend Orlando Bloom. *sigh* That’s all I’m going to see of Orlando, tonight, since he couldn’t be bothered to show up. I guess Orlando didn’t get the memo on how special these awards really were.

Next up, we have Jake Gylenhall announcing the Female Actor in a Supporting Role category. Another thing that makes the SAG awards special: everyone, regardless of gender is an AK-TORE. There are no actresses in SAG. Actresses are for stodgy, pre-millennial awards shows like the Golden Globes and the Oscars. The SAG Awards have only male actors and female actors. The nominees for Best Female Actor in a Supporting Role are Maria Bellow (The Cooler); Keisha Castle-Hughes (The Whale Rider); Patricia Clarkson (Pieces of April); Holly Hunter (13); and Renee Zellwegger (Cold Mountain). Renee wins and I can’t begrudge her the win, even though she wasn’t my favorite, because I thought she did a decent job. Besides, it’s like I always say: “Better Renee Zellwegger than Nicole Kidman.” Renee gives a SAS.

Amber Tamblyn and Zack somebody from the television series “Scrubs” show up to introduce Best Male Actor in a Television Drama. Amber has decided to let the world know that she has breasts. My, my, yes she has. That dress is a little too low for someone Amber’s age, in my opinion, but I may just be showing my age and revealing the fact that I’m a bit of a prude when it comes to showing off your ta-tas. The nominees in this category are: Peter Krause (Six Feet Under) (and what’s funny here is that when they say his name the camera rests on Freddy Rodriguez, who points to his left to where Peter is sitting); Anthony LaPaglia (Without a Trace); Martin Sheen (The West Wing); Kiefer Sutherland (24); and Treat Williams (Everwood). The hell? Treat Williams? How the hell did he get in this category? Where’s William Petersen? Did I miss some scandal that would explain why William Petersen got shoved out by Treat Williams? Anyway Kiefer wins. I don’t watch “24” so I have no idea if the win is deserved or not but Kiefer seems like a nice enough guy so “yeah!”

Jane Kaczmarek and William Petersen (there’s Will!) show up to present Best Female Actor in a Television Drama and I am comforted to know that even though Jane and Will didn’t get nominated in their respective categories, the fact that they are presenting means that they will at least get one of those kick-ass gift baskets. Because of a tie, there are six nominees for this category and the are: Stockard Channing (The West Wing); Frances Conroy (Six Feet Under); Tyne Daly (Judging Amy); Jennifer Garner (Alias); Mariska Hartigay (Law & Order: SVU); and Allison Janney (The West Wing). Frances Conroy wins. I think she looks amazing. It’s always such a shock to see her on awards show because on SFU, they really downplay her looks. Frances makes her way to the stage and proceeds to talk about the second most common theme running through the night, after the “These awards are special” category and that would be that everyone in the room is like family to everyone else. Well, if that’s true, then I can’t wait for the drunken arguments to break out in about twenty minutes.

Everyone welcome Sean Hayes so he can remind us that this is the 10th anniversary of televised SAG awards. Sean has thoughtfully compiled a montage of memorable moments from past award shows. We have Halle Berry crying (again), Roberto Bennini yelling something in Italian; a lot of different actors smiling as they make their way to the stage to pick up their award except for Russell Crowe who seems pissed off (again); Sarah Jessica Parker stops to adjust her sparkly tube top and more actors happy to just be nominated.

The cast of Frasier comes onstage to present the Best Ensemble in a Drama Series. Everyone gives them a standing ovation because they’re overjoyed that they’re finally calling it quits this year and they really mean it. No fake out about how this is their last year except “oops, we changed our minds and NEXT year is our last year, really” like those chumps on the “Friends” set. The nominees in this category are: CSI, The West Wing, Law and Order, Six Feet Under and Without a Trace. Six Feet Under wins. As the camera gives us a wide shot of the room while we wait for the cast of SFU to make their way upstage, I notice that a lot of people aren’t really eating their dinners. Peter Krause has been chosen to speak for the cast and he say absolutely nothing memorable.

Melissa Gilbert comes onstage and exercises her right as President of the Union to make everyone listen to her boring little speech. Melissa thanks all the other unions who, along with the Screen Actors Guild, make films possible. She also talks about how we are living in troubled times and now is the time for everyone to use their talents to foster tolerance. Basically, Melissa calls upon her fellow thespians to join with her in attempting to achieve world peace through acting. They applaud, indicating they are up to the challenge.

Richard Chamberlain and his really bad face lift come onstage to present Best Female Actor in a Television Movie of Miniseries. The nominees are: Anne Bancroft (The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone); Helen Mirren (The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone); Mary Louise Parker (Angels in America); Meryl Streep (Angels in America); and Emma Thompson (Angels in America). Wow. How do you possibly make a choice in this category. Every single one of these “female actors” are outstanding and gave incredible performances. I think I’d vote for Mary Louise Parker but that’s only because I’d want to piss off the Josh/Donna shippers who hate Mary Louise Parker simply because she plays Amy on The West Wing. Anyway, the voters, not tied down by my pettiness, vote for Meryl Streep and everyone seems pretty happy with that decision. Meryl makes her way to the stage, patting Sam Waterston on the back as she passes him which I thought was kind of cute mainly because Sam Waterston just looked so pleased with the recognition. Meryl’s has decided to compose a little rhyme as a way of thanking everyone. It’s a little corny but at least it’s different. She stumbles a bit and it makes me think that Meryl’s a little drunk.

Peter Dinkage shows up to introduce “The Station Agent” as the second nominee for Best Ensemble Cast in a Motion Picture.

Mariska Hartigay and Dennis Hasberg then come on stage to introduce Best Female Actor in a Comedy. Where is Chris Meloni? First I am denied the presence of Orlando Bloom and now Chris Meloni appears also to be absent. I think I’m going to have to have a word with Little Bit Gilbert. Anyway, back to the ladies. The nominees are: Patricia Heaton (Everybody Loves Raymond); Lisa Kudrow (Friends); Debra Messing (Will & Grace); Meghan Mullally (Will and Grace); and Doris Roberts (Everybody Loves Raymond). Meghan wins and she drags Debra Messing on stage with her. She says that she brought Debra Messing on stage because she didn’t prepare an acceptance speech and so she was hoping Debra Messing would say something nice about her. It’s a cute moment and it makes me like Meghan a lot more and dislike Debra Messing a little less.

Katherine Morris from Cold Case and Mark Harmon from lots of stuff come on stage to present Best Male Actor in a Comedy Series. The nominees are: Peter Boyle (Everybody Loves Raymond); Brad Garrett (Everybody Loves Raymond); Sean Hayes (Will & Grace); Ray Ramano (Everybody Loves Raymond) and Tony Shaloub (Monk). Tony Shaloub wins and gives a SAS.

Laura Linney and a very pregnant Marcia Gay Harden introduce Mystic River, the third nominee for Best Ensemble Cast in a Movie.

Jennifer Garner and Kiefer Sutherland arrive to present Best Ensemble in a Comedy Series. Wow, I can see why people joke that Jennifer Garner is actually a man. She has got some broad shoulders, doesn’t she? The nominees in this category are: Everybody Loves Raymond, Frasier, Friends, Sex in the City and Will and Grace. Sex in the City wins. Blech. Never really liked this show and the fact that it’s last episode was Sunday means that I have had my fill of anything Sex in the City related. Oh well, at least I’m spared Sarah Jessica Parker and her fake “aw shucks, you voted for me!” attitude. Cynthia Nixon looks great. I have loved Cynthia Nixon ever since she played that teenage hippy girl in that movie with Tatum O’Neal and Kristy McNichol about girls at summer camp who have a bet on who can lose their virginity first. One of my favorite scenes in that movie is when the entire camp gets into a fight and Cynthia Nixon’s character laments “This is what happens when you eat meat.”

Michael Douglas shows up to introduce the Lifetime Achievement Award to Karl Malden. Aw, I love Karl Malden. He has one of the greatest faces ever. He looks like he would be the sweetest guy in the world until you caused harm to him or someone he loved. Then he looks like he would just calmly reach down your throat and pull out your liver. While Kirk Douglas, Patty Duke, Eva Marie Saint and Angela Lansbury all tell us what a great actor and wonderful guy Karl is, we see clips from his body of work which include: A Streetcar Named Desire; On the Waterfront; The Gunfighter; I Confess; One-Eyed Jacks; Patton; Gypsy; Streets of San Francisco and the American Express commercials. Karl gets a standing O, gives a short speech and then gets off the stage. I’m loving Karl Malden more and more.

Mark Raffalo and Andie McDowell show up to present Best Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries. The nominees are: Justin Kirk (Angels in America); Paul Newman (Our Town-how did I miss this?); Al Pacino (Angels in America); Forrest Whitaker (Deacons); and Jeffrey Wright (Angels in America). Al Pacino wins and he sort of gets a standing ovation. Half the room stands up and the other half have apparently gotten around to eating their dinner so they can’t be bothered. Al gives another SAS. Pacino’s voice is going. Either he’s got some sort of throat cancer or he needs to give up smoking.

Some actor I’ve never heard of introduces “In America” as the fourth film to be nominated for Best Ensemble Cast in a Motion Picture. After the clip is shown, we cut to the two little girls who star in the movie and they are clapping enthusiastically. It’s cute.

Meryl Streep steps on stage to introduce the “In Memoriam” segment, other wise known as “Oh! I forgot/Gasp! I didn’t know he/she died”segment. Get comfortable people because 2003 was the year that killed everybody. Sad music plays. People clap for the bigger names such as Katherine Hepburn, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, Gregory Peck and Art Carney. Mr. Roberts and Captain Kangaroo get their fair share of clapping, too, which I think is sweet.

Clint Eastwood is here to present Best Female Actor in a Motion Picture. The nominees are: Patricia Clarkson (Station Agent); Diane Keaton (Something’s Got To Give); Charlize Theron (Monster); Naomi Watts (21 Grams); Evan Rachel Wood (13). I have to say that I have not seen the movie “13” and the clips they’re showing on this show do not entice me. They basically show Evan Rachel Ward screaming and attempting to throw off Holly Hunter who is trying to hug her and touch her. It’s very spastic. Charlize Theron wins, surprising no one, but Charlize has to pretend to be surprised because people haven’t mailed in their Academy Award ballots yet. So Charlize cries a little and pretends to be star stuck by Clint Eastwood. Charlize gives an SAS and it turns out that Charlize knows a lot of incredible people who do incredible things at their incredible jobs.

Jeff Bridges shows up to introduce our final nominee for Best Ensemble Cast in a Motion Picture – Seabiscuit.

Then Renee Zellwegger comes out to present the Best Male Actor in a Motion Picture. The nominees are: Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean); Peter Dinkage (Station Agent); Ben Kingsley (House of Sand and Fog); Bill Murray (Lost in Translation); and Sean Penn (Mystic River). Sean, by the way, does a much better accent than his co-star, Tim Robbins.

Johnny Depp wins and since Johnny is in France eating Freedom Fries, we are spared an acceptance speech, standard or otherwise.

As we go to commercial, we are treated to more classic moments from the last ten years. Oh, look, there’s Robin Williams trying to be funny. And Roberto Bennini, off his Ritalin (again).

Catherine Zeta Jones shows up to present the final award for the night, Outstanding Ensemble Cast in a Motion Picture. Catherine looks stunning. No, no, you’re right, Charlize, I should have said that Catherine looks incredible. My bad. I love her dress, it’s sort of this gold, shimmery, floaty material and it looks great on her. Anyway, back to the category. The nominees, as have already been stated, are: In America; Lord of the Rings: Return of the Kings; Mystic River; Seabiscuit; and The Station Agent. Lord of the Rings wins. The cast makes it way on stage and I see that there is no Orlando, no Viggo, no Elijah. I am devastated. The entire cast gets a congratulatory kiss from Catherine. The King of Helms Deep starts off. He basically thanks all the little people on the set who don’t get the recognition they deserve. As he continues talking about the greatness of Peter Jackson and the producers, Sean Astin inches his way on camera. The King stops to proclaim Sean a “future president of the United States”. Hmmm, not so sure about that.

Sean uses this opportunity to start his own speech and Sean is deeply troubled, folks. It appears that all is not happy and merry within the Union as this award shows would have us believe. There is strife, there is in-fighting. People are quibbling about money issues. Work is being taken out of the country. I find this last bit interesting since Sean just spent the better part of two years working in a non-union shop. Sean asks that everyone take the time to look a little more closely at what’s going on, get more involved in the union or the union will not endure. Sean has more to say but at this point Ryes-Davies simply comes over and bumps him so hard he is pushed off-screen. He introduces a producer who also has a SAG card. The producer makes a lame joke, the band strikes up a song and the cast moves off the stage. Catherine Zeta Jones wishes us all a good night and that’s it for the show.

Let me just say this about Sean Astin’s little speech. I don’t mind people who want to make political speeches at awards shows. I don’t believe award shows are sacrosanct and these folks have won an award and so they should get to say whatever the hell they want to say. It’s not like listening to someone thank their managers and their agents is all that interesting so at least these political speeches tend to be more interesting and entertaining than your standard acceptance speeches. But the truth is, most people who decide to take a stand like this always seem so ill-prepared when their time comes. Like Sean. I’m sure he had a point. But he was all over the place and he was never really clear about what it was he was trying to say. So then it becomes uncomfortable and cringe-worthy. And that’s not entertaining and, personally, that’s all I’m looking for in these shows. Entertainment. Either entertain me with an interesting outfit or an interesting speech. Otherwise, follow the wonderful example of Karl Malden and make your speech short and then get off the stage.

I’m also not crazy about Ryes-Davies and his little bump. I have a suspicion that there was a little confab going on in the background with the other actors wondering what the hell do we do here but, really, what’s the big deal? Let Sean make a fool of himself. Or go up and say “Hey, Sean, some other people would like to say something, do you mind?” It was the shove that seemed a bit too much and I also don’t like that he was in cahoots with the producer since Sean was basically saying that the actors needed to band together against producers who wanted to take films elsewhere, thus denying jobs to the other union workers that the SAG members are supposed to be in solidarity with. But then, I am extremely pro-union.

Let’s sum up shall we? SAG awards are the specialist awards around and SAG members are all family except when they’re giving politically motivated speeches, then they’re an immovable object and an unstoppable force. There are no actresses only Female Ack-tores and speeches should be entertaining or they should be short. Preferably, they should be both. Say what you have to say and then say goodnight.

Goodnight.

[ejg25]

Brava! Tremendously funny. I liked the Frasier bit. Oh god, Friends isn't coming back for another season, is it?

And a Little Darlings reference... god, that was an awful movie, but it was fun to see Cynthia Nixon.

Yeah, it occurred to me too that Rhys-Davies could have just tapped Astin on the shoulder and asked if the others could have their turn to say thanks. That would have been the right and respectful thing to do. Unless he thought Astin wouldn't yield the mike? Still, better to give him the chance.

I think Astin must have prepared that speech to the letter (which makes its badness even worse)... because nobody uses "internecine" in extemporaneous conversation. At least, I hope not, because it would break new ground in insufferability.

[mjforty]

It felt to me like he had been thinking about what he wanted to say and maybe even written his thoughts down at some point but that he hadn't actually organized everything into a coherent manner. He was all over the place, quoting Tim Robbins, then moving from the strife within the union to the issue of filming outside of America to the fact that everyone's salaries are very disparate. I suppose it's highly possible that Sean Astin is a sucky public speaker.

[Claudia]

He surely failed to suck in his appearance I went to a couple years ago. But I get the feeling he's sort of at his worst in those too too earnest moments he's prone to.

[BJC]

Brilliant work mj!

I think I’d vote for Mary Louise Parker but that’s only because I’d want to piss off the Josh/Donna shippers who hate Mary Louise Parker simply because she plays Amy on The West Wing.

BWAH!!

[Ambrose's Auntie]

Yep, love your work on the Mary Louise Parker front.

No Viggo? What's the point, then?

Goodnight.

[jenelope]

Excellent report, mj. I also loved your quip about Mary Louise Parker.

Although I have to say that Treat Williams was nominated because he's done some truly outstanding acting in the past year. I'm very pleased that he was recognized for his work on Everwood, because usually it seems that you have to be young, female and pretty to be nominated for a WB show.

[libbylou]

mj, as usual I bow to your greatness. Wonderfully done.

I particularly liked the apt comment regarding Mary Louise Parker. Heh.

No Viggo, Orlando or Johnny? Damn.

No Chris Meloni? Blasphemy! That man fills out clothing in a way that is much beloved by me.

[Meowcat]

Fabulous work MJ.

So true about Mary Louise Parker.

Not sure what the point of telecasting it was if Viggo, Orlando, Johnny and Chris didn't show up? Althought Lib I thought you prefered him to be less of clothed?

Did anyone else catch JK's comments about The Passion of the Christ? - tell us what you really think! BW was much more restrained for a change.

[Pandrea]

I didn't see or know anything much about that awards ceremony, so that was a perfect and entertaining recap, thanks mj.